Episode 2
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SECOND EPISODE: Get them back on your team.
EPISODE 2- We’re giving you our number one GO TO behavior management strategy we try to get some of those really tough behaviors under control.
Let’s not waste any more of your time, teachers, buckle up, this is going to be fun..
Hey Everybody, Caylee and Layne here, welcome back to another episode of the Pre-K Teacher Family.
OK EVERYONE, this episode might change your life… I don’t want to get you too excited, but the strategy we’re going to talk about is pretty tried and true.
When you come to me and tell me about a tough kid, this is almost always going to be the first strategy I give you to try...
Even if I’ve never met the kid… even if I’ve never met the teacher, and I might only know a little bit about the behavior...
I still give this one out to teachers again and again, and it usually works...…
Ok, this is going to be good… we are going to use his and her...and he/she interchangeably throughout this episode because, obviously, these behaviors come from boys and girls… this episode will help you all with some of the toughest behaviors out there… one we wanted to make sure we touch on is runners, right caylee?
Yep, oh man, if you’re out there right now with a runner in your class, we feel for you… I can remember my first “runner” ...I had no idea what to do, and I had trouble finding anyone that could give me realistic solutions to help me… what I can tell you, is that the weight, you carry, on your heart, when you have a runner that you don’t know what to do with… is too much weight, TOO HEAVY ON THE TEACHER HEART…
I can remember sobbing one night to my husband about it… “Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be IN CHARGE OF 16 kids and ONE OF THEM COULD BOLT AT ANY MOMENT… EVERY. MINUTE. Of the day,” … he didn’t know what to say… there was nothing he could say in that moment to help me…
It’s like that feeling when you’re sitting on the edge of your seat, watching a child climb something, braced and ready for them to fall where you’d have to react in an instant..… but you never get to get off that edge…. You’re just balancing there.. All day, waiting for the fall, to try and “catch” him… keeping him at an arms length …
10 minutes of that is too much, let alone a whole day of it… and then a week of it…
I am DEFINITELY going to do whatever I can to help any of you out there in that position…
Ya, those memories of runners still haunt me, too...
What about teachers, that are seeing serious behaviors that are potentially dangerous? They might have kids with conditions that require support from behavior experts or other professionals?
I can’t pretend to have magical powers… I don’t know these kids, I don’t know these teachers...You guys know if you have a situation that needs more support than you can get from a podcast...BUT, a lot of the time, PRE-K teachers are on the front line of that battle… we know, that a lot of kids are coming to us for their first experience in school, ...they haven’t been diagnosed, or analyzed, or even seen by professionals yet,... so you are going to be the one that gets that process going a lot of times… and just because you have a high needs child, that is exhibiting INTENSE behaviors, doesn’t mean they are instantly going to send angels to help you… you’re going to have to start the process.. Then, they are going to be observed for weeks or even months, and you’re going to have to document every detail…. and maybe, eventually, some help will arrive.. But there’s a lot of time in between now and then...so, if I can give you some strategies to keep things together until professionals get involved, you better believe I’m going to do it…
I’m not a professional behavior expert… I’m a teacher who has had some success with some stuff so I’m passing it on to help you guys…
I’m not saying I have the solution to everything, (and we know there’s not just one solution that will work every time.) but if it’s one of those impulsive things kids have learned to do to get attention or avoid something, I am going to try to help you channel their urge to run into something more positive.
Good, so for those situations, where nothing seems to affect them, positively or negatively, (so you can’t dangle rewards to try to get them to follow directions), because they don’t care… and punishment doesn’t help either, maybe you’ve taken every single toy away, they still don’t flinch…this is a good one for those kinds of behaviors??
Yup, ok… so you’ve got one of those tough kiddos with explosive behaviors… and the child, clearly, doesn’t care what you think… you tell her to do something, she ignores you… you give him a direction, he refuses...this is a problem...If the kid isn’t listening to you… if you have no authority, ultimately, you don’t have control of your classroom. And without control, you can’t teach … if you can’t get the children to behave, nothing else can really happen… and as for one specific child, you can’t make them do something, as much as you might wish you could, if they just say no and refuse… you are powerless.
Oh ya…ok, so bribes don’t work, nothing motivates them, they don’t listen to you… so what do you do?
It seems very clear that they aren’t playing for your team anymore … so, First things first, you need to get this kid back on your team.
Um… ok...? What does that mean?
I know that might sound weird, but for kids who are doing these kinds of behaviors, it's usually a case of, they feel like, "I only know how to get attention by being disruptive. I am not good at many things. I want what I want when I want it and I have no self control,”
Ya, and they are smart, they know when people don’t know how to handle their out-of-control behavior… and this just makes it get worse, because kids want limits to be set… they want adults to keep the order and maintain the peace... right? So how do we do that?
The biggest thing right now-- is to flip the script on her. When I say she has started "playing for another team" I mean, she doesn't care much about her relationship with you and probably doesn't "care" much about most things. So nothing matters, nothing affects them, not rewards or consequences, nothing deters them nothing excites them... You need to build your relationship with her so that she starts to value your opinion and care what you think.
What would you say to some teachers who say, “It doesn’t matter what you think of me, you’re going to do what I say.”
Maybe at home, “It doesn’t matter, you’re going to do what I say because I’m your parent.” But school is different.
An important thing to remember is that kids are kids and as they grow and learn, they ultimately just try things to see what happens... I know that sounds oversimplified, but I swear if you think about... from when they are babies, they start trying things to see what happens, what happens if I bang on this? What happens if I throw that? What happens if I pull mom's hair? What happens if I touch this hot cup of tea?
They are figuring out the world by trying things... So as they get older, it starts to look like: what happens if I say this (maybe it's something they heard another kid say)-maybe it's a nice thing, and they get a smile, maybe it's a mean thing and they get in trouble... but they are constantly trying things out, and adjusting what they do based on what happens or how people react…
And this is why we want to stop asking kids, why did you do that? And ya know why? Bc most of the time they don’t know why they did it.... they might have seen their dog do it, and thought, hey I’ll try that this morning at school...and then we see it and react...,OMG WHAT DID YOU JUSt Do? WHY WOULD you do that!? And there are crickets... bc the kid doesn’t know.... maybe he saw his sister do it or his mom or someone on tv...so when we see them do it, we have to be that calm adult in their life that says...”hey we don’t talk like that.”
Becky Bailey from Conscious Discipline, beautifully explains the role of misbehavior, in your child’s development... She says, “If you were going to Tibet, how would you learn about Tibetan customs? You might read a book, or, talk to people who have been there, or, carefully observe people you meet when you get there, and hope you interpret their behaviors correctly… however you prepared… you would make mistakes. And your best lessons, would come from your errors. Misbehavior actually serves many wonderful purposes in your child’s development…
It would be misguided to stop misbehavior.
Your goal is better framed as, preventing the likelihood of misbehavior being repeated, and becoming habitual. You can do this by responding to misbehavior wisely when it happens.
YASSS, so for teachers in this spot, you have to remember, they are trying stuff out on you, all day long. We want to encourage the good and discourage the bad…
They are doing things just to do it and they don’t know why.... so we have to remind ourselves, they are not rational thinking adults... they are kids, who are navigating this world asking one question, “what’s going to happen when I do this?”
And when you can, accept... that..., it’s easier to separate a kid from their actions, and we really need to when they are 4 and 5.... bc they are trying out a lot of stuff and we can’t just stick labels on them...we have TEACH them, how to be a good person, how to take care of others, how to be responsible… that’s. our. job... as teachers.
And that’s why it's going to be important for you to switch it up on them…
Ya, don’t be the same broken record they’ve been hearing from all the adults…
And the one piece of the puzzle, that’s going to make you different, is the relationship piece…
It’s SO IMPORTANT...you have to make an effort to connect with these little ones, before you can start helping change their behavior.
You’re going to talk to them differently, they’re going to respond to you differently, and the end goal here, is that their behavior will improve because THEY CARE ABOUT YOU and what you think and what you say...
I am talking, within one day, you should be able to get her back on your team.
We have to describe (and remind) kids, that they are, the types of `qualities that we want them to be...
Wow…. ok ..that’s big, Let me say that again, in case they didn’t hear it in the back… We have to describe (and remind) kids, that they are, the types of qualities that we want them to be...
Yes! They might make a bad choice or have bad behavior, but we want to separate them from their actions…
So let’s give them some phrases to use...
Ok, good idea, here are some simple examples... and we will put these in the show notes:
You can say: You’re too good of a friend to do that.
You are a nice kid.
You’re too pretty to use such ugly words.
You are a smart kid.
You are good to your friends.
You make good choices.
I care about you too much to let you do that.
You’re too smart to make that choice.
You’re too kind to make someone feel that way.
I’m so happy you’re here today.
I have the best class in the world.
This is going to be such a great day.
And so, when kids hear these kinds of messages from adults, rather than negative reactions, they start thinking to themselves, “oh ya, I’m too smart.” And in their head, they decide, “I don’t need to do that again”... because it wasn’t made into a big deal...they did it, we used it as a teachable moment, addressed it, and we move on together… no shaming… no big reactions…
I was skimming my love and logic notes, and I read “a child has a strong craving for attention… they would rather face the consequence of a misdeed than be ignored.”
WOW. So, that’s so eye-opening… I know from other reading with love and logic, even if the kids are getting a negative reaction from adults, it’s still sending positive signals in their brain… You might have thought, “I’m yelling at them, I’m sure this is unpleasant, and they won’t want any more of this..” But that’s not really the case.
Let’s not let kids crave attention, especially these tough kids who are acting out… give them the attention they are naturally going to seek out, and make it POSITIVE ATTENTION.
Because, before those messages can be received by a child, you first have to change up the way that you engage with this student.
You’re expecting the bad behavior because up to this point, that’s what you’ve seen everyday... the kid is living up to the expectations whether they’re good or bad.… I am sure she can already feel the frustration that most adults feel with her... and she's just living up to her stereotype now... She's a handful... That's all she knows how to be. That's all anyone's ever told her that she is, so that's what she keeps being.
Yup, time to switch it up on her. I'd start out by getting down on her level, and giving her a genuine compliment, "I like that Paw Patrol backpack... which one is this? (point to one of them)... OR engage with her on something she's wearing, maybe frozen shoes, connect with her, ask her questions about herself... what's your favorite color? I like green too.
Yes, and just a heads up, Kids don't always follow adult rules of etiquette, but it's ok if she doesn't respond how you think she should... as long as you are sending positive messages, sooner or later you will be making positive connections in her brain and she will react differently to you.
Then, once she starts warming up to that... turn a compliment into a special job she can help you with… Get down on her level, smile, look at her eyes..."Hi Layne, I noticed how strong you were when you were carrying your bookbag... I could use your help with something heavy I need moved, would you like to help me with a special job?"
Oh, ya for sure, kids love being helpers...
Exactly, or you could give a different compliment and ask a different job, "Hey you, I have been watching how great of a friend you are... I saw you smile at your friend when you came in this morning, and I would love for you to help me with something. Would you like to help me with a job?” And maybe you tell her, “I want you to go around and whisper a message to every kid in the classroom. Here’s what I want you to whisper to them… ‘We are going to learn about a new center this morning!’” (and let them get the privilege of going around and announcing this exciting news to each kid!!)
Oh that’s a good one... but you might not start all kids out with this kind of job right?
Right, but that’s not to say that some kids may surprise you and step up to this task that you might not have thought would do it correctly..but certainly, this might not be the first job you select for certain kids...use your judgement, there are TONS of ways to get creative with simple jobs kids can help with.
Maybe they could look for other students who are being role models and put a sticker on their shirt... maybe they can move a stack of books from one place to another… or sorting is a good job for kids, let her help sort a bucket of markers by color…
YES, all great ideas, the job doesn't really matter, it's how they feel doing it... it makes them feel important to carry something heavy and know they are carrying a note. Whatever the special thing is, it’s a great privilege and if she enjoys this type of reward she will work to earn the right to be able to do it again. (Then you start to have some leverage.)
And you want to make sure to prep the child for the job… you’re not just giving them heavy stuff and hoping it goes well… it’s super important that the child is successful with this situation, so you do everything you can to set them up for success by emphasizing how special the job is, and that it’s something you’ve picked just for her… and then you’re going to show her exactly how to hold the paper and feeling her little muscles and saying, "Wow, you're strong...I know you're going to be great at this job."
Ya, they need to feel successful in whatever job you give them, it could backfire if you give them something they can’t handle.
You want to try and refocus their attention and their opinion of themselves from, “I’m a wild child that screams a lot.”...to “I’m a good helper and I’m great at a lot of things”... and you want her to know, there are lots of special things you'd love for her to do ... as long as she's listening and following directions.
What if you give them a special job and you show them exactly how to do it, and they just start messing around?
Oh boy, ok… good question-- as soon as they start messing around the privileges are paused... BUT IT IS SO IMPORTANT, that you don’t jump back to that negative reprimanding they are expecting… remember, we’ve flipped the script… we are treating them differently because we want to show them they are different. Even if we are sending a negative content message, we are still sending a positive relationship message. What you’re doing is not okay, but you are still a good kid. I know you’re a smart kid that likes to help with special jobs, so I am going to give you another chance to try this tomorrow. Maybe even throw in a hug or a high five, seal it with some empathy.
So if that happens, step back, connect with her again (give her a genuine compliment, talk to her about her favorite things, ask what animals she likes, etc.) and then try to offer something else for her to do... you don't want to create more opportunities for her to rebel and misbehave... you want her to connect with you and keep the momentum going for her to turn her behavior around and feel good about it.
If you start with this.... rebuild that relationship with her, change up the way she thinks and feels about HERSELF, you're going to have a different connection with her, that will allow you to bring her back -- when you feel she's about to start screaming.
You need that kid on your team! A true connection will make a big difference. The solution to the problem starts way before the undesired behaviors starts…. You have to fill their little “bank account” up before we can ask for a withdrawal.
OMG YES… that’s crucial!
We fill them up and then, when we need something from them, we remind them of all the things we have let them decide and then we ask for a tiny withdrawal
Love & Logic talks about how important it is to give kids choices. They want responsibility and ownership of their own life.
Not only do we need to be making those little connections with kids throughout the day we need to let them be in control. Decide things that you are okay with letting the kids pick... and then you share the control by giving a choice. So much of a child’s life is adults telling them what to do…
When we offer kids choices they start to feel empowered and they are.
Give choices on everything….
Hey kids- do you want to walk in the hallway on your tiptoes or flat - footed?
Do you want to use whisper voices or silent voices?
Do you want to practice writing your name with this pencil or this pencil? (Sidenote, you can make a normal pencil into a fancy magic writing stick by taping a feather to the end… it’s crazy how excited kids get about feathers on pencils…)
Do you want to do yoga with shoes on or off? (HINT, they will all want to do it with their shoes off...so you can use that as a motivator… “first we are going to practice our numbers and then we are going to do yoga, if you want your shoes off for yoga, you have to keep your star up (or be a super star) however you phrase it”…give kids fun choices to motivate them!
Do you want to use crayons or markers?
Do you want to sit by me or sit by your buddy?
Do you want to give me a high-five or a hug?
Hey bud, I know it's hard to clean up when centers are over. Do you remember all the things I like you choose today? I let you sit by your friend, I let you play for 3 more mins, I let you pick how you wanted to walk in the hall… And now it's my turn .... let’s see how fast you can clean up and meet me at the rug. No yelling, no shaming, no threats…
And the preemptive “thanks, I knew you'd made a good choice.” IS SO IMPORTANT TOO, you go into situations with positive intent, you tell yourself, they are going to make a good choice, and they probably will… you go into it, hesitant and sort of waiting for their push-back, that’s what they’re going to give you!
I want to close up this episode by sharing a quote I painted onto a piece of wood and hung in my classroom…. It said, “This could be the greatest day of our lives.” - and at the bottom it has my dad’s name, because he always says this… (I think it’s originally from animal house) but my dad throws it out there on a regular Tuesday, and everyone’s mood changes… I wanted to remind myself to bring that kind of attitude into my classroom so I painted the words on a piece of wood and hung it up… my kids would say it all the time… and they’d go home saying it… their families would come to me and tell me that and they’d say it’s spread to be something they are all saying at home too… it’s a simple phrase, but the message is so powerful, and it’s incredible what can happen when you throw this out there on a regular monday morning… give kids something to be excited about...to look forward to… just putting those positive vibes out into the world will change the mood…
I’d love for you to start throwing it out there with your class… let us know how it goes… :)
Hey Teachers, we wanted to take a minute to share a message from our sponsor… this podcast is sponsored by the Pre-K Teacher Family… in case you haven’t heard about it, we’ll explain… it’s a support group for pre-k teachers! We launched it because, let’s just be real here… there’s not enough support out there for us! The Pre-K Teacher Family was launched in December and we have over 100 teachers in it already! If you’d like to learn more about this support family of love and teachers and positivity… visit my website, triedandtrueteacher.com that’s tried and true teacher, all spelled out, .com and click on the tab that says “JOIN THE PRE-K TEACHER FAMILY.”
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A WORD FROM THE FAMILY:
In fact, don’t just take it from us, we are going to feature a message from actual members in the family in each episode so you can hear the truth from them! Here’s what Dani said… “I joined the Pre-K Teacher Family because sometimes it feels like we are on an island in Pre-K trying to survive by ourselves. It’s nice to have a support group who just “gets it”...
THIS IS SO TRUE… Dani, thank you for saying this… whether it’s not having appropriate planned Professional development on school wide PD days or just feeling left out of the loop… I have been hearing this from Pre-K Teachers over and over again… come join our Pre-k family… even if we are on our own island, WE’LL BE THERE TOGETHER!
Ok, so let’s recap…
1-remember, they are trying stuff out on you, all day long. We want to encourage the good and discourage the bad…
2-We have to describe (and remind) kids, that they are, the types of qualities that we want them to be...
3-The solution to the problem starts way before the undesired behaviors starts ..You have to fill his/her little bank account with deposits of praise and giving power through choices...before we can ask for a withdrawal.
4-Even if we are sending a negative content message, we are still sending a positive relationship message...What you’re doing is not okay, but you are still a good kid.
5-And, Becky Bailey’s wise words… Misbehavior actually serves many wonderful purposes in your child’s development… Your goal is better framed as, preventing the likelihood of misbehavior being repeated, and becoming habitual. You can do this be responding to misbehavior wisely when it happens.
And make sure you tune in next week, when we are giving you our best tips to make the most out of RECESS!
And finally, one of the best ways to help us get our message to more teachers is to share and subscribe! If you’re listening on a smart phone right now, you can take a screenshot and tag us in your story! We love finding our people...
